Let’s acknowledge that I (a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor) have used a “swear word” in the title of this blog- “SHOULD”. If there were a handbook to my job, don’t say “should” would be chapter one. Should indicates something that you may not be fully on board with. i.e. “I should take my bin out” however I don’t really, so I can’t say “I would like to put my bin out”. So why does tradition dictate that we “should” make a resolution? What is it about the start of a new year that makes people feel like they need to change something about themselves? Why change? And why do we need a point in the calendar to tell us to start doing something differently.
My guess (without any hardcore facts, stats or figures) that these “resolutions” are potentially set up to fail. Reflecting upon my own experience, they are often made in haste and have a superficial foundation to them. Gym memberships skyrocket in Jan… Maybe people are lured in by special offers, but maybe the ad is tapping into part of the persons psyche that would like to be healthier or fitter. In many ways theres absolutely nothing wrong with that, however… I dare say that the gym may be emptier in Feb than in Jan. Why?
Part of me questions how much that NYE resolution means to the individual, the other part questions ok if this really is part of someone they wish to change, maybe they haven’t fully explored the underlying reason as to why they desire change in the first place? After all, what is so bad about “old” them that requires an overhaul and taking time to look at the value that “old” part has, if not, then what purpose does it serve?
The gym is just one example of many new years resolutions that will be made and broken this year. Whatever the resolution, there might be a temptation from some, to go 0-60 straight away. Consequently they are likely to fall at the first inevitable hurdle. Ok failure happens, but it’s how you cope with it that really matters. Can you pick yourself up from the low point and carry on? Or are you left bruised and injured from the fall of failure. How resilient you are can make or break meeting a goal. Regardless of how failure is managed, it could be said that the premise of a NYE resolution is setting up for a fail.
SO how is it possible to break the mould and make change possible? If only I had the answer to this! We live in times where change and uncertainty are ever present. Although there isn’t a magic solution, there might be ways to avoid the pit falls of the NYE resolution, assuming this is something that you REALLY want to do differently and not a half hearted whim. STEP ONE- if it is a whim, ditch it now. If not really question if what you want to change is realistic. If it is, are the steps in how to get to the end goal realistic? If you are not sure what is realistic for you, why not talk to someone you trust about what you would like to change and how you would like to achieve it. However, if it feels too big to share with friends and family, you may wish to consider talking to a counsellor or psychotherapist.
Having reflected upon NYE and the purpose of the resolution tradition, I can see that there is a significant factor in the timing of the start of a new year, as it is a significant benchmark to reach in the calendar, something to gauge progress or failure. The start of a new year might instigate the beginning of reflection upon life, what is going well and what isn’t, alongside what needs to change. These are the deeper “resolutions” that, in some cases, might be more difficult to change. It might be addressing the darker “shadow” parts of self, that are more difficult to acknowledge or even see in the first place. That bit of you that you don’t like and you know others see.
For some, they may wish to address something deep inside that bothers them, such as a mental health issue they live with daily. It is important that such changes are addressed with the right support in place. Many mental health conditions take time to address, however this is not to say it is impossible.
So as we say goodbye to 2019 and look forward to 2020, why not consider what you really want to make a resolution about, even if it is something that you might not be ready to action just yet, maybe the “good enough” thing is to do is just bringing it into awareness for now, after all, there’s 365 days+ to think about how you might want to take action. I’d like to think about it as being kind and compassionate to yourself, which is a pretty good way of being in itself.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change” -
Carl Rogers